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Funny cat piccys!!

Choji - Turkey Cat
Best cat pics I've seen in a while!! Enjoy them!!

Tag back!!!

Choji - Turkey Cat
Yet another lovely internets quiz I was tagged for!!

What is yours?
Explain yourself
Culinary: Creole Food I can not get enough of red beans & rice or Crawfish ettoufe(it's a type of stew)
Literary: Teen Horror books Teens + horror + angst = A happy me!!
Audiovisual: 80's sitcoms I can be dead tired from a late shift of work, but if Nick at Nite is having a Family Ties marathon, I'M THERE!!
Musical: Extended versions of songs It's not a real song if it doesn't go past 6 minutes!!
Celebrity: Tie: Jon Cryer & Marc Price & Anthony Michael Hall 3 of the best pasty, geeky, nerdy guys I had my 1st celeb crushes on & now they are HOTTIES!!

Now I tag:-

toomedieval belldandychan goggleboy protoblues and djopm

to complete this same Quiz, Its HERE.

Eek!! I've been tagged!

Choji - Turkey Cat
Well, seems that I have finally been tagged for one of those random LJ-type quizzes!! Ok, so 5 weird things about me....Hmmmmm.....

1. Whenever I have a decision to make, feel confused or worried about something or someone, I will start pacing and twitching whatever necklace I have on. I used to do this with my mother's St. Cristopher pendant.

2. I have a thing about cleaning the house. I can't do it with others around or awake. I wait until people are sleeping or out for the day and I can clean.

3. I am the ONLY person in my immediate family that eats fish! Even Corrinne won't eat fish!

4. When I am doing housework, I can't have the TV on! I'm sooo easily distracted that I have the radio on to a local jazz or talk station for me to stay focus!

5. There isn't a day that I don't say something to my dearly departed mother, father, grandmother & brother. I do feel them with me(being wiccan or not, I still do this). Ever since they have left this earth, I still ask them for help everyday.

Well, there's my weirdness!!

She's a big girl now....

Choji - Turkey Cat
Well, my day has taken a strange, yet great turn. For the 1st time in quite a while, I am home....

Mind you my Fridays normally consist of a normal shift at Jimmy John's(11am-2pm), walking from there to pick up Corrinne at school, then walking her home, then to walk to my other job and do my shift there(3pm-7pm, plus if I have any after clean up work which may take up to an half hour).

But, since my manager's family is home now, she wants them to learn about the store, she has them on today(also known as "They are family, so I don't have to pay them"). With that in mind, after a quick "HI/BYE" at Shei's, me & Corrinne were home....together..on a Friday. I felt a bit strange, but ok.

Given that the past few weeks have been hectic to say the least, but it does feel good to be home, with nothing to do that was pressing.

But at around 6, this conversation took place:
[I'm in the living room, relaxing. She's in her room. Then pokes her head out of her door]

Corrinne: Mom, are you hungry?
Me: Um..yeah.. Why? Are you? Did you want me to start dinner?
Corrinne: No. I just wanted to know if you were. (pauses) I could get us some dinner, if you want some Burger King.

(My face in total shock)

Me: Well, ok but that's taking some of your babysitting funds...are you ok with that?
Corrinne: Yeah, it's ok.
(at this time, tears are welling in my eyes, but I don't cry)

(As we get ready to go, this also comes up:)

Me: Corrinne, do you know what happened to the TV remote??
Corrinne: I think that my client took the remote to the TV with him, Mom.
Me: Well, since it's your responsibility...(she stops me)
Corrinne: I know, so can we stop by the Dollar General and I'll get another one.

(Again, my face is in shock)

Me: Ok, but, make sure you get a cheap one. I don't want you to spend all your money.
Corrinne: I won't & I'm sorry.

We head out, talking about her day & what plans she has for ACen & other mother/daughter nonsense. All the while I'm still reeling in the fact that my child asked to take me to dinner! As well as to fix a problem that she made(in a way..)!
She only sat for 2 days @ $10 a visit(I know, she's cheap. But her clients are on fixed incomes so..)

So, as we walk, I realize that she's getting all the lessons I've taught her about work, cause & effect.

I blink a few times and just walk with her, with a smile & go to dinner with my daughter.

Of course, now I have to face the fact & deal with it..... That she's growing up.

It's weird...

Choji - Turkey Cat
Did I miss something??? How come since Christmas is on a Sunday, most of the world stops today?? There are no banks open & I think there's no mail. And from where I'm working today, I've only had less than 5 people at my store.

My boss calls me a few times today, and she asks how busy is it? I tell her, and she acts surprised! Now I know that most of the world maybe at the mall, breaking in their newly gotten holiday cash/gift cards/gift certificates. It just feels weird to me.

And also the fact that since New Year's Day is on a Sunday, most of the big events, like the Bowl parades & games are on Monday! Ok, that's it, I'm lost!!

Snag time

Choji - Turkey Cat
Alrighty! Here's my 1st snag from someone's LJ (Shei's to be exact)!! I hope that you people do know me like I think you do!!

My name:

Where did we meet:

Take a stab at my middle name:

How long have you known me:

When is the last time that we saw each other:

Do I smoke:

Do I drink:

Do I curse:

Do I believe in God:

When is my birthday:

What was your first impression of upon meeting me:

Color of my eyes:

Do I have any siblings:

What's one of my favorite things to do:

Am I funny:

Do you remember one of the first things I said to you:

What's my favorite type of music:

What is the best feature about me:

Am I shy or outgoing:

Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules:

Do I have any special talents:

Would you consider me a friend/good friend:

Would you call me preppy, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else (what):

Have you ever seen me cry:

Are my parents still together:

If I had broccoli stuck in my teeth would you tell me:

Have you ever hugged me:

Do you miss you think i miss you:

What is my favorite food:

Have you ever had a crush on me:

If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be:

What's your favorite memory of me:

What is my worst habit:

If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what one thing would I bring:
Choji - Turkey Cat
Well, kiss my ass if I can't run away from my problems. Even now, when I posted about leaving from the group, things went in to a tailspin. I should have known better. I did get some help today from the hospital. And that's a start. But I didn't think things through. There are the new people now that hardly even know me, are concerned. For that I say thanks. The Sailor of death even tried to talk to me about this. Now she's again getting harrased about my mess. Guys, I will work this out. I just don't want you to 1. worry about me as much & 2. try to get info on me. She doesn't need that right now. She deserves peace.

I don't want to lose any more people. Or give anyone else any more grief. If any one needs to talk to me, call my cell. Those of you who have it.

Final entry

Choji - Turkey Cat
The events of the past week has made me decide that I will not be posting on this board anymore. I have had a great set of losses the past week, and it has made me realize that because of my own drama, problems or whatever else is wrong with me & my life, I'm hurting people.

I have lost the love of my life. Simply because I'm not there for him. I didn't think to take the chance to start a new life with him in another state. I was too afraid of the consequences that would happen if we moved. I've also realized that I'm tired of trying to get someone in my life. Every time I do, some how, some way I mess it up. I guess I'm one of those people out that that will never get a mate.

I was fine with that for a long time. Right after Corrinne was born, I put myself in a self-imposed "celibacy" mode. I should have stayed that way. It wouldn't hurt so much now by loosing him.

I was more focused on my family that I had at the time. But after loosing my mother, like every other human on the planet, I got lonely. Soon after that, I made bad choices in men. I realize now that when I finally thought I had the "right" one, I still messed it up. I think also the fact that I'm almost 40, gives me some sort of clarity on how I need to set things right in my life.

Then there's the fact that I can't keep any friends. Most of my life I've been a loner. Most of my childhood & teenage years I spent by myself. I was used to it. But as I got older, and my interests changes, I tried to have friends. And for a while I did. But due to my choice in men, I lost them to keep him happy. I got isolated again. I missed them so much. So I tried again to have friends.

I thought, "this time, it will be different". We all think that don't we? Every time, I set myself up for some type of happiness, I fail. Now, because of me, my friends are getting harassed by people that shouldn't be even bothering them. I won't let anyone else get hurt anymore. It would be better now to just try to step out of their lives & let things clear up. My presence doesn't help. They don't need me anymore. My job is done. Even when I thought I had everything under control, I didn't. And that made me feel even more of a failure with them.

In a way, I should be proud. I'm always calling myself "every body's mom". And like a mom, I should be happy when my "children" grow up & don't need me anymore. Even now, Corrinne is talking about college.

This may sound lame, but my thinking is since I'd never had friends before, I didn't really know how to act or treat them right. I'm always so worried about saying or doing the right thing, that I didn't want to loose them. You've seen that in previous posts. I don't think I could ever feel truly "equal" to them.

So, by leaving them alone, at least I know there will be less drama. Yeah, it will hurt for a while, but as well all know: memories fade. People will forget. I know there will be, at least I hope, kind thoughts of me. I do still love each and every one of you. You were our family. That will never change.

This time, I'm not coming out of the hole. I have to stay in it, for the safety of others & my sanity. The stress of this has gotten me to a point when I want to end it, but I'm too chicken to do anything about it. When this came to a head last night, I knew that I couldn't hurt myself, but I was afraid of what could have happened. So, being the "good" mom, I went to our local emergency psych ward/hospital.

Of course, I didn't get any help because it was too late in the evening to be seen by anyone. I will try again to go today, but as we all know, I have work. My schedule is so jacked up that I probably won't ever get any help ever.

I don't think I'll ever get any rest. To me, it never ends. There's always some fire I need to take care of or fix a problem that no one else can. All I want is 1 day of no stress, no problems, just quietness.

That & the love of my daughter is the only 2 things I can hold on to for now.

Thank you again for being in our lives. We will miss you, but this is for your benefit that we go.

Something I need to get off my chest

Choji - Turkey Cat
So I see that I've found a way to get my feelings out without anyone knowing. I hate to have to go about it this way, but I would rather spare myself & my friends the drama of my problems this way.

So, without any further wait, here goes:

I am lonely. And I can't fix it. I see my friends & my own child having someone to talk to, hold on to & even share emotions with...but I don't have anyone here that I can do that with. Sure, I have a great group of friends. Don't get me wrong, but when I look at them, with their partners(either actual or potential), it hurts.

My best friend & her guy are my closest friends. But, I'm jealous of what they have. Not the love or pairing itself, rather it's the closeness of each other.

They can call each other anytime & talk whenever & about whatever. They are not hundreds, if not thousand miles away from each other. They are less than a hour drive away from each other. They can make plans for dates for the weekend, to be together at any given time. I can't. Mine's not here. Mine's in Chicago, Ill.

I know that when I got into this, that part of it would be about not seeing each other as much as a normal couple would. I knew that. But, recently, with all the drama goings-on in my life, I really have a need for my significant to be by my side. But he can't since he also has a major family thing going on.

This gets me to thinking about what I have always said about my life:
"I am destined to be alone - at least without a mate/partner." Hence me being given the "Martyr" title that I'm sooo used to. I take on the title of "Everybody's mom" this way, I can worry more about them, rather than myself. I can drown myself in my work, not caring about my needs & it will all be fine.

I think that this time, with my friends that are hooked up almost all around me all the time, it's harder to do that. Without being reminded of what I don't have.

Don't get me wrong though, I am very happy for them & wouldn't want anything to happen to their relationships - I'm not jealous of "them", just of the convenience of what they have. He/She is here. He/She can be with you within an hour or less. Distance cuts the heart like a knife.

And of course, most of you are saying, "Well, talk to your friends, that's what they are there for!" I can't & don't want to simply because of the fact that I don't want them to think I want to harm their relations with their others.

My best friend has had nothing but terrible things happen with her "supposed" best friends when it came to this. I am trying to show her that I'm not like them at all. She herself is just now coming to a point where she sees that this time, it's different with her man. That he's a "grown" man & he will treat her better than the other "boys" she's had. She needs to learn that now, and not worry about yet another friend with relationship drama.

And with my other friends, I can't bring them my troubles simply because they have their own now - mostly of either school, work or personal related issues. I don't want to add to their pile 'o crap. Oh, and the 1 other person that is in my life, I can't & won't talk to simply because of their mental state. If I talk to him about this right now, I might get hurt, something of mine destroyed or worse.

So, I do this. Getting up at 4 o'clock in the AM, trying to deal.

Can't get to therapy, gotta work. Can't talk to friends, they have their own messes about, Can't talk to him, he's got his family thing. So now what??

There are parts of me now saying "Told you so, this will never work." "Go back to what you used to be, and stay there!" And I do want to. But it's harder this time. I had a taste of what I really needed, and I can't get anymore.

Should I keep trying, hoping that it will work out?? Saying "Oh we'll have the holidays & the con to look forward to!" But when I remind myself of what he's going through now, I feel like I would be not needed then. Albeit selfish to my needs, not his.

He's needed with his family now. And I don't know when that's going to be done & over with. It's health-related, & we all know that things like that can go on for months, if not years.

I need the comfort of my partner near me, now. The hugs, kisses, and other affections that you get from them. To use old sayings, "distance doesn't keep a girl's bed warm at night."

It hurts now, and I'm at the point of saying "Why don't you focus more on your family now. Don't worry about being with me." That would be my escape plan. And I think I might be using it soon. The problem with that is, he wouldn't do it. In a way, he's like me. He has a ton of friends around him that are involved with others, and it pains him to see it, almost everyday.

I think the difference is that he's had these friends for years, rather than I'm just getting my 2nd or 3rd year with mine. It's still kinda new on my end.

Don't want to ruin a good thing, just because I'm acting like a cat in heat.

I just want it to stop hurting so much. Very soon.